What is a sexual fantasy?
What are they and how to make them a reality?
In short, a sexual fantasy is a mental image or scenario that turns you on. Whether that’s the idea of a threesome, engaging in BDSM, a hookup with a stranger or something taboo - it’s completely normal to have sexual fantasies. We all have minds that conjure up dirty thoughts from time to time but so many people feel ashamed of their innermost erotic feelings.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of
Once considered a topic people would never dream of bringing up in conversation, talking about sex is now openly encouraged in today’s society and something we at Harmony highly support. Embracing your sexuality leads to better sex, and we all deserve more of that! Whether you choose to act on your fantasy or not, accepting in your head the things that turn you on can help with your mental health and a better understanding of your body. You should never beat yourself up for indulging in a few steamy thoughts.
A key thing to remember is that your sex fantasies don’t define you. And not all fantasies are sexual desires. Fantasy is exactly that - fantasy. It’s perfectly OK to feel aroused by a particular idea or scenario that might conflict with how you identify in real life or any beliefs you might have.
A few quick rules
If you choose to act on your sexual fantasy - there’s only one rule that applies: CONSENT. Living out your fantasy can be a hugely liberating experience, but it must be approached with respect, a lot of communication and above all, consent from all parties involved.
Okay, there’s probably a second rule too. Keep it legal. Whatever you and your partner(s) engage in, just be sure you’re following the law when it comes to nudity and sex.
The possibilities are endless
The limit of sexual fantasies goes as far as your own imagination but here’s a quick guide to a few that are listed as the most common.
Group sex, orgies, threesomes, foursomes or moresomes… however you label it, engaging in sexual behavior with more than one person at a time is a very common sexual fantasy. It comes with the feeling of complete, all-consuming pleasure and being the focus of attention with every erogenous zone of your body being teased and stimulated at the same time. For many, it's also the feeling of giving pleasure that turns them on even more. Knowing that more than one person is getting off on what they’re doing is amazingly satisfying.
It’s no surprise that one of the biggest fantasies involves forms of BDSM, especially since Fifty Shades of Grey took the world by storm! Studies show that more women now admit to fantasizing about being tied up, blindfolded, a bit of spanking or having their ankles secured in a spreader bar. (We can probably thank that scene in Fifty Shades Darker for that one).
BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism, and covers varying levels of intensity. When collecting data for his book Tell Me What You Want, Justin Lehmiller found that most women (93%) and men (81%) had fantasized about being sexually dominated before.
This feeling of being dominated and having rough sex can be a thrilling fantasy, without any handcuffs or whipping involved. If your regular sex life would be considered more “vanilla” in the words of Christian Grey, being taken, or taking someone, quite roughly in an animalistic way is totally hot. But that’s not to say that having your senses deprived by being blindfolded, your mouth gagged or your hands cuffed to the bedposts is even hotter!
Exhibitionism and voyeurism
Being watched having sex can be a huge turn-on for many and can vary from one end of the spectrum to the other. Perhaps you fantasize about your partner watching you masturbating or using a sex toy on yourself, maybe it's giving a sexy striptease or even acting out a full-on BDSM scene in a sex club. The feeling of knowing other people are getting aroused by you can be hugely arousing itself.
On the flip side, voyeurism is being the watcher. Commonly, this fantasy involves watching others engage in sexual activity without them knowing but there are plenty of consensual voyeuristic scenarios too. Perhaps you like the idea of watching the couple perform a BDSM scene in the sex club, or watching someone through an online cam show?
Same-sex and homoeroticism
Homoeroticism is a fantasy that involves a sexual encounter with members of the same sex. It differs to homosexuality which implies a more permanent state of identity or sexual orientation. Whereas homoeroticism refers directly to the desire itself which is very often experienced by people who identify as heterosexual.
Lesbianism is commonly listed amongst women's fantasies - whether it's the feeling of it being slightly taboo or the fact that sex between women is focussed on oral sex, mutual masturbation or other clit-focused activity that you know is hugely arousing.
Roleplay and Cosplay
Dressing up in costume or acting out a ‘scene’ are very popular fantasies, especially in foreplay, and are probably some of the easiest fantasies to act upon.
Roleplay is where you assume a particular identity and is often incorporated into other sexual fantasies. For example, if you’re exploring a dominant/submissive kink, you might try role-playing with one of you acting as a person in a position of power like a police officer that catches and handcuffs their naughty thief!
Cosplay is the act of dressing up like someone or something else, often from a book, film or video game. We’ve probably all seen that episode of Friends where Rachel dresses up as Princess Leia right?
Both examples are an act of escapism, a freedom to explore your sexuality in a way that doesn't feel like real life and adds a sense of fun and adventure.
Novelty and adventure
These are fantasies that push your everyday boundaries, locations or incorporate a new sexual act. For some, this might be oral sex, anal sex, or using a vibrator with a partner. Or perhaps a different location is what turns you on - sex in a public place, over the photocopier in the office, or the classic fantasy of sex in an airplane bathroom? The feeling of trying something new can be immensely thrilling and give a huge adrenaline kick which is often connected to arousal. Keeping novelty alive can be especially important for long-term couples, helping reignite the passion you had at the beginning of the relationship.
Not all fantasies are about pushing boundaries. More often than not, a sexual fantasy is just a dream of having great sex with someone you love. And this can mean different things to different people. Maybe your idea of romance is rose petals, champagne and making love in candlelight. Maybe it’s the simplicity of that person looking deep into your eyes, knowing how to touch and pleasure you as you share a deep emotional connection. They’re all part of the fantasy of being desired and intimate with someone you love.
Acting upon your fantasies
The first thing to think about is whether this is just a fantasy - something for you and you alone to enjoy. Just because the thought of something is arousing to you, doesn't necessarily mean you have to physically act it out. Watching porn scenes or reading erotic fiction can be all you need.
Approaching the topic with your partner can be daunting, but the key is to be open and respectful. Avoid making your partner feel inadequate and talk about how you want to add to your sexual play. What might be exciting for you, might not be for them, so respect their decision and perhaps look at alternatives or lower intensities first and build up.
Establish boundaries. Because whilst it's important to talk about the things you do want to try, it's just as important to draw the line of what you’re not into so that you’re not pushed or left feeling uncomfortable in the moment. Keep communicating with each other and don't worry if things don't quite go according to plan.
Practise aftercare. The term aftercare is referred to a lot in the BDSM world, but being mindful of each other's wellness is important in any sexual relationship. Talk about it with your partner, share what you each enjoyed, maybe have a relaxing bath or shower together to continue that intimate connection as your bodies calm.
Whatever your fantasy, we've got all the toys and accessories to help you bring them to life. From sexy lingerie and massage candles to costumes and all the bondage accessories you could ask for. Explore our infinite range of products and let us help you bring those fantasies into reality.
Ultimately, sex fantasies are a perfectly healthy and normal part of life. So take a deep breath and talk to your partner. Chances are, they've probably got a fantasy they'd like to try too!